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the man who only wants a quiet girl has probably dated multiple loud women.
the woman who only wants an emotionally intelligent man has probably dated men who have neglected her time and time again.
both now claim they have healthy boundaries, and yet, it is the absence of those boundaries, or more specifically, the suffering inflicted through that absence, which has brought them to that realisation.
so, it is only through experiencing what a relationship lacked that they were able to establish what they value most.
so does suffering have to come before finding ‘the one’?
no. but it often does, which is why it can look necessary.
take the man who wants a quiet girl. would he know how much he values quiet without ever being with someone he considers too loud?
maybe.
but he would have to notice it on purpose, and that takes longer.
the same goes for the woman who wants an emotionally intelligent man: neglect can amplify the perceived necessity of that emotional intelligence, but she can also spot the gap without being hurt by it first.
and let’s not forget those who find their soulmate on the first try, and live happily ever after. i tell myself they’re just ai-generated characters so i can continue sleeping at night. but do let me know how you handle that information; i’m always open to learning new ways of doing things.
suffering doesn’t necessarily create what we want. but it does show us how much it matters.
so…suffering isn’t necessary, but it does help? suffering = beneficial?
that can’t be right either.
i am, of all people, the last to romanticise poor behaviour.
but as much as i don’t want to admit, suffering is a teacher.
in the relationship classroom, friendship classroom...well actually in any classroom; where else would you expect a teacher to be?
suffering forces you to find a way out by all means, because that’s the only way to stop it.
suffering changes the circumstances from a matter of want to a matter of need.
the only problem is, it’s an expensive teacher.
the type you pay private-school tuition for, just for your child to end up with the same grades as bradley from community college, who studied a total of 8 hours across his lifespan.
suffering costs time, mental health, energy; both from you and the people around you, whether you intended for that or not.
well that’s depressing. so what’s the alternative path to growth?
put it this way, what’s the point in suffering when we can learn by watching other people suffer instead?
only joking x
but seriously, we don’t have to personally experience every possible form of disappointment to understand what we should value most.
we can learn from observation, from the mistakes of people around us, and even from simply thinking about the kind of relationships we want to have.
healthy boundaries are formed through both theory and practice, so don’t dive headfirst into the experiment before you even have a hypothesis - you’ll very quickly forget what you were looking for in the first place.
so take the experience as a lesson?
yes, but don’t get the two confused.
a horrific experience can teach you something without being a good thing to have happened.
you don’t have to be grateful someone neglected you because it taught you to value emotional availability. in fact, i’d consider that delusional.
but do be grateful for the person you became after it.
you can credit suffering for what you’ve learnt, without picking the same teacher next year.
if you liked this one, i think you’ll enjoy curiosity killed the cat? or curiosity cured the cat? too. let me know what you think; i read this inbox personally.
thats all for today. speak wisely, choose intentionally, and look after yourself x