what do you do with someone when you can't verify their true intentions?
earlier this week, i posted a video addressing why i don't do casual ‘dating’. to me, either we’re building a life together, or you’re in the way of the person i should be doing that with.
but what about the people who are undecided and still dating?
eliminating uncertainty in modern relationships
as it stands, the current landscape of talking stages, situationships, and people who only text you between 9pm and 11pm is a playground for those who only chase short term pleasure, and a nightmare for the rest of us.
how we equate spending a night with a person we find attractive to building a future with someone who truly fulfils us over decades will always lie beyond me.
and naturally, as the line between two distinct experiences blurs like this, the intentions of the people involved blur too.
eliminating uncertainty at this stage is no longer about asking direct questions - most people don’t even know what they want. it’s about reading between the lines, and paying attention to what they leave out just as much as what they say.
here’s a way i do this:
establishing information asymmetry as a protective mechanism
a lot of people think ‘getting to know’ someone means telling them everything and anything about you. but even if you mean well, often the other person will only end up with two things:
- overstimulation
- extensive knowledge about the most intimate parts of your life.
and often, you’ll end up disappointed when they don’t return the favour, because that’s a natural reaction for someone who isn’t showing up for you like you have for them.
this doesn’t mean you should just turn off your personality; don’t let me dim your light.
but do try to extend the timeline.
you can tell them everything eventually, but make sure they’re earning it along the way through reciprocation, consideration, and actions which align with the standards you hold yourself to.
and if they don’t make it to the end, then they were never meant to be yours.
ironically, by spreading out what you say, you’ll probably find out more than you ever would otherwise. and the best part? your entire life story is still just yours.
and so you know i didn’t just pull this from my ass, this is my raw, uncut experience with it:
if you’d like me to go deeper on this topic, just reply ‘yes’ to this email. i read this inbox personally x
that’s all for today. speak wisely, choose intentionally, and look after yourself x